Need to restart operation
get my ex out of my life
and sort the mess that is my life......
My plan today is simple get the courage to block my ex from my phone or change my number again
sounds simple.......
Ive contacted my old IDVA to get support going
so feel kind of directed but know every time I start to cut him out
takes so much strength
and pain
not feeling strong enough today
Sick to say went out with him last night
he told me he wanted me
kissed me hugged me
I was just numb
screaming inside what the fuck are you doing even standing here with him
let alone letting you let him touch you
He denied so much
Its like old times
but in the past he would admit a few things
now there is nothing
well its actually he denies anything he did
while implying I was the abuser
and I often say nothing in shock
while he smiles making out what he is saying is true
and then he says its okay I forgive you
but I didnt beat him
never pinned him down
never strangled him
was never able to overpower him
he was a joiner/carpenter for 15 years and was very very strong
I never fought in my life
if someone tried to fight with my I would run away
try to deflect their attacks with scratches
failing that just drop to floor and curl up in a ball
what am I a tortoise cat???
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Monday, May 4, 2015
The basics of background in my life
So where to begin,
this I assume will be my longest post as it is my background
which clearly needs to be explained
as part of what I want is not for people to judge me
but to understand
what abuse causes
what abuse comes in the form of
what abuse for me was and is.
Child of Southern Irish Mother and Father from Cornwall but whose ancestry and surname bare Italian roots and a common Welsh surname is in our root only 100 years ago.
Brought up in london
very sheltered
went to private all girls day school convent from 5 to 17 ..
was meant to be to 18 but explain later
Parents were strict
mother loving but father hardly speaking to us
he worked from home
running a stamp auction company
that ran monthly auctions and was able to afford him a nice home
and send all three of us to private school
There was abuse
beatings with hands, with sticks, with a chair, with an umbrella, with my birthright gold compact lol first girl born in the family for 100 years smashed and sold for scrap to pay off money, I stole, kicked and punched, massaged and kissed wrongly, touched wrongly, cousin drugged and molested me while virgin not sure what he did, but a few weeks later friend of family raped me while conscience, abandoned, and then later, supporting my abuser, giving him money while me and my child starved, ridicule me, stood by while he beat me while pregnant, then went to police as found out cousin abuser numero uno ... there were a few,,,... well this one was a priest and now after being thrown our was becoming a teacher had to go to police, ..
Oh round 20 got with the love of my life, second lover.. excluding the definite rape by relatives friend
within months he beat me, went back to family .. cousin was there. they refused to tell him to go... I went back to my ex... told him he could do anything he liked to me, if I could just move back into my room that he had comendered in the squat he ran, and let me love him, I would never make him angry..
I would never upset him
and if i did he had the right to beat me
rather he beat me than my family
or be abused
well that lasted 23 years........
beatings stranglings rapes so much abuse.
headbuts.. twisted fingers
begging for mercy
not to break my fingers
was classically trained musician
studied weekly lessons since 5
also self taught guitarist
but really just wanted to keep fingers intact
Then I went to the police
theyd come round many times
but only men
and only ridiculed me
said its a domestic
told me that stop moaning
went to police
told them loads
said not to take action
not sure what they did
but a few weeks later
ex made a report to police
stating I had attacked him
he made up loads of lies
anyway long and short of it
i was charged with common assault
he was charged with nothing
actually sent a letter saying sorry he had suffered all those years
he told them everything he did to me
that I did to him
and he made up loads of extra things
like the three babies i lost after crying after being abandoned by him
telling me he hated me
and after he beat me
i lost them
he told the courts
I killed the babies
and that it was being investigated by the police
whats sick is people can make up anything
and the courts permit it
one should only be able to make a statement like that if they have a letter from the police to back it up
but as it was not true at all he had no proof
but he could make it up,
some of his lies were silly
like I contacted everyone by telephone in his families home street,
this would be something one could prove if it was true
yet he had no proof
as it wasnt true
but he was permitted to submit the claim with no evidence.
Anyway we split
he made up lies in court to get an injunction against me
I contested his claims, stating I was happy for the injunction to stand
but just wanted to defend myself and submitted what evidence I had.
then what proceeded was relays of court cases with everytime me dismissing his lies
he would make up new ones
until I gave up my injunction
and he stopped making up new lies
then he wanted the council flat we were given when I was pregnant with his child
and he had abandoned me
something over our 23 years together he did alot
I calculated he was gone for at least 8 years. once 9 months a few 6 months dozens of months hundreds of weeks and thousands of days........
Well he first claimed he wanted me sectioned and him to move into the home he left 2 years prior
to live with our child who he had ignored mostly for the last 2 years, something he always did when he left in the past, he started ignoring by first an easter, then a christmas, then our childs birthdays....... that was a killer.. he would come back acting as if nothing happened, often coming in the middle of the night, convincing me to let him in and forgive him, and then our child would just walk in surprised to see their father who had just vanished for the last 6 moths... we knew we couldnt say anything or quest...
well anyway trying to keep this summary short...
back to the present..
our child had to write to courts saying he didnt like his father that he had witness him abuse me all his life
and that our child only wanted to live with me
my ex said it was all lies and that I wrote it
that I had brainwashed our child
our child was 22 and had just been on a degree in engineering and was clearly not stupid,
and knew his mind. well eventually when my ex made up more lies our child had to come into court and prove being of sound mind, and wants to live with me.
then when you think this man has done his most, he then says fine i want the 2 bed property for myself
rehouse our child and my ex....and I can use the spare room for work
I think he is completely mad..... he lost
a year has past since then........
Now my ex is back on the scene
and it seems like he wants back in my life
I know I cant let him
He is more of a monster than I could ever describe
but what is crazy is I still love and care for him
Ive snuck out a few times to see him
just did it last night......
my child doesnt know
if my child did they would go crazy
they never wants us to speak to their father again
let alone speak to him.
So this is where I am
loads more to explain
and obviously living will bring on more events
But here I am in all my basics of the abuse
there is so much more to me
musician singer
passionate about wanting to save the world
although starting to worry Im a meglomaniac and just wanting something impossible
I know I want to change something do something for other victims
the system did fail me badly
but it can change
and even if I can get one person to change their views on Domestic abuse victims
and that they dont deserve it
that we arnt stupid
that we are good people
I fear and suspect our down fall is we love and forgive too much
and this is our weekness
when we fall in love with
a Psychopathic Lover
and seemingly inevitable
when we come from a twisted home
where love only came in drips
when it was great it was amazing
but when it was terrible you just focused on the next good time or the good times in the past
anything but look at the hear and now
My family trained me to cope with part time loving sprinkled with mental and physical abuse
And Elli loved them thinking all the abuse I got I deserved
and always forgave
Turn the other cheek
love and know they love you
Have Faith
this I assume will be my longest post as it is my background
which clearly needs to be explained
as part of what I want is not for people to judge me
but to understand
what abuse causes
what abuse comes in the form of
what abuse for me was and is.
Child of Southern Irish Mother and Father from Cornwall but whose ancestry and surname bare Italian roots and a common Welsh surname is in our root only 100 years ago.
Brought up in london
very sheltered
went to private all girls day school convent from 5 to 17 ..
was meant to be to 18 but explain later
Parents were strict
mother loving but father hardly speaking to us
he worked from home
running a stamp auction company
that ran monthly auctions and was able to afford him a nice home
and send all three of us to private school
There was abuse
beatings with hands, with sticks, with a chair, with an umbrella, with my birthright gold compact lol first girl born in the family for 100 years smashed and sold for scrap to pay off money, I stole, kicked and punched, massaged and kissed wrongly, touched wrongly, cousin drugged and molested me while virgin not sure what he did, but a few weeks later friend of family raped me while conscience, abandoned, and then later, supporting my abuser, giving him money while me and my child starved, ridicule me, stood by while he beat me while pregnant, then went to police as found out cousin abuser numero uno ... there were a few,,,... well this one was a priest and now after being thrown our was becoming a teacher had to go to police, ..
Oh round 20 got with the love of my life, second lover.. excluding the definite rape by relatives friend
within months he beat me, went back to family .. cousin was there. they refused to tell him to go... I went back to my ex... told him he could do anything he liked to me, if I could just move back into my room that he had comendered in the squat he ran, and let me love him, I would never make him angry..
I would never upset him
and if i did he had the right to beat me
rather he beat me than my family
or be abused
well that lasted 23 years........
beatings stranglings rapes so much abuse.
headbuts.. twisted fingers
begging for mercy
not to break my fingers
was classically trained musician
studied weekly lessons since 5
also self taught guitarist
but really just wanted to keep fingers intact
Then I went to the police
theyd come round many times
but only men
and only ridiculed me
said its a domestic
told me that stop moaning
went to police
told them loads
said not to take action
not sure what they did
but a few weeks later
ex made a report to police
stating I had attacked him
he made up loads of lies
anyway long and short of it
i was charged with common assault
he was charged with nothing
actually sent a letter saying sorry he had suffered all those years
he told them everything he did to me
that I did to him
and he made up loads of extra things
like the three babies i lost after crying after being abandoned by him
telling me he hated me
and after he beat me
i lost them
he told the courts
I killed the babies
and that it was being investigated by the police
whats sick is people can make up anything
and the courts permit it
one should only be able to make a statement like that if they have a letter from the police to back it up
but as it was not true at all he had no proof
but he could make it up,
some of his lies were silly
like I contacted everyone by telephone in his families home street,
this would be something one could prove if it was true
yet he had no proof
as it wasnt true
but he was permitted to submit the claim with no evidence.
Anyway we split
he made up lies in court to get an injunction against me
I contested his claims, stating I was happy for the injunction to stand
but just wanted to defend myself and submitted what evidence I had.
then what proceeded was relays of court cases with everytime me dismissing his lies
he would make up new ones
until I gave up my injunction
and he stopped making up new lies
then he wanted the council flat we were given when I was pregnant with his child
and he had abandoned me
something over our 23 years together he did alot
I calculated he was gone for at least 8 years. once 9 months a few 6 months dozens of months hundreds of weeks and thousands of days........
Well he first claimed he wanted me sectioned and him to move into the home he left 2 years prior
to live with our child who he had ignored mostly for the last 2 years, something he always did when he left in the past, he started ignoring by first an easter, then a christmas, then our childs birthdays....... that was a killer.. he would come back acting as if nothing happened, often coming in the middle of the night, convincing me to let him in and forgive him, and then our child would just walk in surprised to see their father who had just vanished for the last 6 moths... we knew we couldnt say anything or quest...
well anyway trying to keep this summary short...
back to the present..
our child had to write to courts saying he didnt like his father that he had witness him abuse me all his life
and that our child only wanted to live with me
my ex said it was all lies and that I wrote it
that I had brainwashed our child
our child was 22 and had just been on a degree in engineering and was clearly not stupid,
and knew his mind. well eventually when my ex made up more lies our child had to come into court and prove being of sound mind, and wants to live with me.
then when you think this man has done his most, he then says fine i want the 2 bed property for myself
rehouse our child and my ex....and I can use the spare room for work
I think he is completely mad..... he lost
a year has past since then........
Now my ex is back on the scene
and it seems like he wants back in my life
I know I cant let him
He is more of a monster than I could ever describe
but what is crazy is I still love and care for him
Ive snuck out a few times to see him
just did it last night......
my child doesnt know
if my child did they would go crazy
they never wants us to speak to their father again
let alone speak to him.
So this is where I am
loads more to explain
and obviously living will bring on more events
But here I am in all my basics of the abuse
there is so much more to me
musician singer
passionate about wanting to save the world
although starting to worry Im a meglomaniac and just wanting something impossible
I know I want to change something do something for other victims
the system did fail me badly
but it can change
and even if I can get one person to change their views on Domestic abuse victims
and that they dont deserve it
that we arnt stupid
that we are good people
I fear and suspect our down fall is we love and forgive too much
and this is our weekness
when we fall in love with
a Psychopathic Lover
and seemingly inevitable
when we come from a twisted home
where love only came in drips
when it was great it was amazing
but when it was terrible you just focused on the next good time or the good times in the past
anything but look at the hear and now
My family trained me to cope with part time loving sprinkled with mental and physical abuse
And Elli loved them thinking all the abuse I got I deserved
and always forgave
Turn the other cheek
love and know they love you
Have Faith
Breaking the silence.
So here goes another attempt at making a blog...
I need you to be my witnesses
to even ridicule me if thats what you want and I fear
to reflect all u think positive
there are so many reasons one reads a blog
I know none can shock me as Ive thought of nearly all one can reflect on and chastise myself for
I do not have an illness as such ... at least not one most sympathise over
I am not homeless ... well its on the cards... but as yet not
Not a drug addict but close to hitting the bottle...lol
My problem is love
Loving a man I know I shouldn't
however I also love family members I shouldn't
and I love people I shouldn't
I seem to allow people to abuse me....
I want to write this blog
as I cant tell anyone in my life anything
and the silence is killing me.
I need you to be my witnesses
to even ridicule me if thats what you want and I fear
to reflect all u think positive
there are so many reasons one reads a blog
I know none can shock me as Ive thought of nearly all one can reflect on and chastise myself for
I do not have an illness as such ... at least not one most sympathise over
I am not homeless ... well its on the cards... but as yet not
Not a drug addict but close to hitting the bottle...lol
My problem is love
Loving a man I know I shouldn't
however I also love family members I shouldn't
and I love people I shouldn't
I seem to allow people to abuse me....
I want to write this blog
as I cant tell anyone in my life anything
and the silence is killing me.
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