Day one again.........

Need to restart operation
get my ex out of my life
and sort the mess that is my life......

My plan today is simple get the courage to block my ex from my phone or change my number again
sounds simple.......
Ive contacted my old IDVA to get support going
so feel kind of directed but know every time I start to cut him out
takes so much strength
and pain
not feeling strong enough today
Sick to say went out with him last night
he told me he wanted me
kissed me hugged me
I was just numb
screaming inside what the fuck are you doing even standing here with him
let alone letting you let him touch you
He denied so much
Its like old times
but in the past he would admit a few things
now there is nothing
well its actually he denies anything he did
while implying I was the abuser
and I often say nothing in shock
while he smiles making out what he is saying is true
and then he says its okay I forgive you
but I didnt beat him
never pinned him down
never strangled him
was never able to overpower him
he was a joiner/carpenter for 15 years and was very very strong
I never fought in my life
if someone tried to fight with my I would run away
try to deflect their attacks with scratches
failing that  just drop to floor and curl up in a ball
what am I a tortoise cat???